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Are there real secrets to being happy? No, but it sounds better when I say there are. In fact, we all possess the same 3 characteristics to live a very happy life. The challenge is not that we don’t know them, but for us to make them apart of our behavior. Unfortunately, just knowing them gives you no more power than not knowing. What makes a true difference in someone who seems happier than you is that they embrace such characteristics everyday, whether they are aware of them or not.

Determining Your Own Reality

I learned these 3 “secrets” from Diana (my wife) at the time she was in graduate school. She recently pointed out a technical journal revealing the science behind “the BIG 3.” I was surprised to see so much scientific support because when I hear Tony Robbins or Deepak Chopra start to teach these concepts, I quickly put up my skeptic blinders (a small glitch I have).

Fear not, the truth is in, and all it takes is practice to make it happen. You don’t need money, proper breeding or lots of luck in your life. You just need the desire to want more happiness in life and the persistence to make it work. Now, nothing happens overnight, especially with your ability to change behavior. But fortunately, you may have 1 or even 2 of these already ingrained in your daily life (hence, your current state of happiness).

I know it’s hard to consistently follow through with all 3. We are only human, and may have picked up some negative habits that are hard to fully let go. Heck, I am only good at step 1, but miss out on step 2 and 3 when situations present themselves. I recognize my barriers, like skeptic blinders or sarcasm or being a realist, to prevent me from getting there.

But as I get older, it becomes much easier to harness this power as life’s distractions of consumerism, the rat race or peer pressure become less important, and I focus on what truly matters.

The BIG Three

Step 1: Good deeds. Doing something for nothing, and expecting nothing in return at all. For this, I have my mother to thank, and she has taught me very well. Whether it’s helping people on the side of the road or helping a neighbor out, the human experience of doing for others is a wonderfully fulfilling experience.

While we all look do to them, excuses are quick to come to our rescue when we don’t. I have a friend who’s become so jaded by others not appreciating his past efforts he’ll make any excuse not to help anyone, while others I have seen will simply demand something in return no matter what. Our capitalistic ways have made such “tit for tat” behaviors almost automatic. I guess this is why doing good deeds is so important and fulfilling. It liberates us to say I have the power to help others and make them feel great, but conscientiously choose to not receive anything in return.    

Step 2: Perspective. This is the hardest for me to achieve. Face it, bad things will happen. Even small disappointments can turn into large emotional drains. Our emotions get the best us all. Fortunately, Diana is wonderful about it. She can look at any situation and find the joy.

For instance in our move to the DC metro area, Rockville, MD was not my first choice, until she pointed out the beauty of what my emotions prevented me from seeing. Ever since, Rockville has been a beautiful place to live.

But be careful, changing your perspective is not an excuse to strive for or accept less. You should still “go for the gold,” but redesign you life so that a 3^rd place finish was actually 1^st place to you, and it is what you planned all along. In the end, life is what you make it.      

Step 3: Gratitude. Counting ten fingers and ten toes is a good start. Seeing permanently wounded soldiers come back from Iraq or visiting a terminal ward in a hospital are more powerful images that should be always keep in mind. Sick or disabled people go through life with unimaginable daily challenges and still come out with a smile at the end of the day. By having the gratitude to recognize that you’re healthy and there is nothing hindering your progress, you can achieve a lot.

Health is not the only gratitude that can be expressed. Gratitude for our innate abilities or our love for friends, family and pets can become pockets of joy. Expressing thanks for a job well done or just expressing your love for a family member who hasn’t heard it in awhile can go very far in making both of you happy. Whether gratitude for self or gratitude intended for others, expressing gratitude on a daily basis for these pockets of joy sustains our continued happiness.

Pockets of Joy

One thing you’ll notice is that each task can give you immediate satisfaction for doing something. And the more you become accustomed to doing these, the easier it becomes and the more joy you will add to your life. It may not be easy to constantly remember them, nor are we consistent at doing them, especially when reason or negative emotions get in the way. But the more we actively choose to participate in doing good deeds, changing our perspective and expressing gratitude, the more times we can experience “pockets of joy” until we become happier more often.

Long term happiness is a path we choose to take because we decide that as cluttered as life gets, we know what’s important to us and how we want to feel at the end of the day. Long term happiness is something we can all achieve.

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